I don't know the day that it happened. I do know that the power
of the immunization of cultural Christianity was broken. I was now infected
with the love of God in Christ.
by Will Metzger
[The third edition of Will Metzger's book on evangelism, 'Tell the Truth'
has just been published pervasively rewritten (IVP, USA: see Book Review
section on website) with two additional chapters. The book has sold 50,000
copies and is justly appreciated. How did Will himself come to a knowledge
of God? This is his story.]
Sometimes I meet someone and afterward I have regrets that we didn't
get to
know one another better. I feel it's important to make a positive
contribution to people's lives wherever I am. Because often my life is
so
busy, time is short, or I don't want to be vulnerable, I neglect talking
about the really important things of life. When I realized this I decided
to overcome my reluctance by putting into print my spiritual autobiography
in hope that it might be of help to someone. Although the printed page
can
be impersonal, I'm hopeful that since we have at least met one another,
what you read will be received as genuine.
MY IMMUNIZATION...
"Every good American should go to church." That's the sort
of cultural
attitude in which I was raised as a young boy in the suburbs of Baltimore,
Maryland. My family was not anti-religious, for that would be un-American.
They seemed to have a form of religion, but without power or personal
meaning. Mom when to church regularly and Dad went on Easter. He respected
God along with hard work, honesty, the American Flag - and he liked apple
pie. We were all-American.
Through my Mom's influence, and because others expected it, I attended
church. When I became twelve, it was the routine for me to go to the church
membership class. On the Sunday I was to officially join the church I
answered some pretty serious questions - but in a perfunctory fashion.
Although there was no understanding of "Do you trust Jesus Christ
as your
personal Saviour and Lord?" I said "Yes" anyway. After
all, I wasn't an
atheist. I was a clean-cut (I never smoked or drank) well-meaning kid
who
got good grades at school. I tried to be good-because it usually was
rewarded and resulted in less of a hassle in my relationships. I thought
I
was a Christian.
It wasn't long before I discovered that I had confused good intentions,
surface morality, and being nice to others with true Christianity. The
discouraging thing was that my church didn't help me see the difference.
They "believed" in Christ merely as an example that we all should
emulate.
The only question asked that Sunday morning which caused me a twinge of
conscience as I answered in the affirmative was, "Will you uphold
this
church by your faithful attendance and regular giving?" Now that
was
getting specific and would require a change of heart. Yet, I glibly agreed
and so was received into church membership as routinely as the offering
was
received that day.
I was on my way to join the ranks of millions of baptized church members
in
America who were still pagans. I had now received a small injection of
cultural Christianity, and it almost proved an effective immunization
against real Christianity. Nominal Christianity or "churchianity"
was all
that I knew up to this point.
MY RESISTANCE CRUMBLES...
When I was fourteen I overheard some older high school students talking
about the fun they would have going to a "club meeting" at someone's
house
that Tuesday night. Being younger I was not invited. That didn't stop
me. I
was looking for fun. I'd go on my own. So I rode my bike and hid it in
some
bushes near the house. I was embarrassed to ask for a ride. It was fun-but
it was also a Christian meeting. I was surprised.
Over the next year I went to a number of weekly meetings and some weekend
conferences. It slowly dawned on me that the Christianity these high
schoolers were into was different from what I had experienced so far.
To
them it was not a religion, but a relationship. They used many of the
same
Bible words that I had heard at church, but they seemed to be meaningful
to
them. Jesus Christ was a real person - disarming, genuine, attractive.
I
was intrigued. They had a direction and a joy about which. I knew nothing.
They didn't need to wear masks - trying to be someone they weren't. I
began
to realize they had caught the "disease"- become infected with
the
infectious love of God in Jesus Christ. My immunization started to wear
off. My resistance was breaking down.
I progressed in high school, and found myself living for the weekends
like
everyone else. Again and again loneliness and dissatisfaction would creep
into my spirit when the parties were over and I was alone. On these nights
I would wonder, "Is this all there is to life? Why can't I be happy?
Who
will love me? Where can I get the power to live a good life? How do I
get
rid of guilt?" Could it be that I'd never really caught genuine
Christianity but only had a small dose which caused me to be self-deceived
into thinking I was a Christian? I found it difficult to admit that was
wrong. I wasn't a Christian after all. At first I tried to defend and
justify myself on the basis of my attempts to live a moral life. I thought
I was well, and didn't need a deep healing.
INFECTED WITH LOVE . . .
It was hard to admit that although I was a church member, I did not
personally trust in Jesus Christ as my Saviour and Lord. Therefore I was
still an unforgiven sinner. The difference between what I had grown up
in
(nominal or cultural Christianity) and what I had now encountered (genuine
or Biblical Christianity) became apparent as I learned more about the
Bible. I now read the textbook of Christianity for myself. Mistakenly
I
started in Genesis and got bogged down. Later I switched to the four
biographies of Jesus. In these gospel accounts written by Matthew, Mark,
Luke and John, God came into focus. It was like turning the knob on my
binoculars. God became sharp and distinct. He had always been a blurry
concept before. God was focused in Jesus - so real, personal,
understandable - and yet awesome.
I found myself irresistibly drawn to this God/Man Jesus. His sharp words
and gentle love spoke to my conscience. Strange; as I began to read the
New
Testament, it began to "read" me. It was like a search light
shining into
my soul. It exposed my darkness and helplessness. My natural bent was
to
sin, and this was behind my lack of purpose, guilt and inability to live
right. I had thought I was such an upright teenager, but Jesus knew the
thoughts of my mind and the motives behind my actions. Shame was a new
feeling. My guilt was real. I was restless because I was playing with
toys
instead of giving myself to God's purpose for my life. But I didn't want
to
give up my toys. Popularity, a car, a girlfriend had become my toy gods.
Truth had a way of coming back and regularly hitting me-just like Monday
mornings. I couldn't keep avoiding it. God made me and therefore he owned
me. I was responsible to Him for the life He gave me. He had expectations
for me as His child. Precisely at this point my previous immunization
almost worked. I had been taught that God was only another name for Love.
Tolerance was the supreme virtue of God. But this was contrary to the
Biblical God. The shallow Love God of my cultural Christianity was
different from the Biblical God who was also Holy. His expectation of
integrity (moral purity) humbled me and I saw that my self-generated
integrity was shallow and inadequate to meet His perfect standards. I
was
in the midst of success; but something was lacking. These words of Jesus
astounded me:
"Do you love God with everything that is in you, and more than
anyone or
anything else?"
"Do you love all people in the same way you love yourself, and
always serve
and do what is best for them?"
My conscience shrank before God's test for all humanity. I visualized
myself as a runner trying to clear a high jump. Previously I had assumed
the pole for God's high jump test was only a couple of feet off the ground,
and that He looked the other way if you stumbled. Now I understood that
God's standard was ten miles high. There was no way I could pass that
test.
Over a period of two years I struggled with my need for a Saviour-a
substitute test-taker. I read, I prayed, asked questions and got close
to
some of these Christians. I became aware that I had been looking for some
of the right things (purpose, love, forgiveness, etc.), but in the wrong
places. I realized that it was not a lack of evidence for the truthfulness
of Christ that hindered my believing, but an inner resistance to Admitting
my guilt and an unwillingness to turn from a self-centered lifestyle.
There
was a cost involved in "coming home" to my Father-God. I would
have to hand
over control of my life. I was unsure and afraid.
Yet someone drew me on in my pursuit. It was God Himself. As I read
the
biographies of Jesus I noticed that He never spurned a truly needy
person-if they admitted their hopelessness. I put myself in the place
of
each person that Jesus met. I visualized meeting Jesus as they did. As
I
learned more about Jesus it became easier to trust Him. I found Him
initiating the bridging of the gap which sin had made between me and my
Maker. The things he required of me (to turn from my sins and trust in
His
perfect character and death on the cross as my sin-bearer) He gave as
a
gift to me. I asked for the gift of the new birth. Wonderfully He provided
a new heart which began to respond by turning and trusting. I cried out
"God be merciful to me, a sinner." As I kept praying with that
attitude and
prompted by His Spirit, God answered. I don't know the day that it
happened. I do know that the power of the immunization of cultural
Christianity was broken. I was now infected with the love of God in Christ.
It was just before my senior year in high school.
A SPREADING INFECTION . . .
The big question was, "Would it last?" I, and many others,
were suspicious.
What would happen when I met the demanding responsibilities of college,
jobs, marriage, and the adult world? Was I just naive?
It's now many years since I've finished both a Bachelors and a Masters
Degree. I was married in 1966 and we have two sons. Since 1965 I've been
a
campus minister at the University of Delaware (and other secular schools)
with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, a worldwide interdenominational
student movement. I've helped adults in church classes and small groups.
I've found a church which is genuinely Christian. I've run smack up against
some very tough questions and personal problems in my life and the lives
of
others. Now I appreciate Jesus Christ even more. I have not been insulated
from hurt, suffering, grief. His presence during these times has sustained
me - knowing that I'm loved and there is meaning to all that happens.
As
I've been confronted with the disappointments of life I've become more
self-aware. Moral failures which continue in my life have caused me to
reflect on my past and come to a more realistic assessment of myself.
I've
been shaped by my "lacks" (losses) as well as my "gifts"
(abilities). Let
me tell you about them.
I was raised in a house that never became a home. With my father I had
an
employee/employer relationship, and my mother neglected me due to her
many
activities. I was an orphan and emotionally deprived. These lacks
contributed to an intense craving for love. A desire for intimacy,
friendship, and happiness became all consuming in my relationships.
Loneliness was my companion. This vacuum of hollowness at the core of
my
being has resulted in many sins of selfishness. My family has suffered
most, for I've often failed as a husband and father. Nevertheless, my
spiritual journey continues, and these dry, empty holes in my life have
become places which God fills with His love. When I became thirsty, then
I
drank most deeply from God's love. My daily cry is "When my heart
is
overwhelmed within me, lead me to yourself. God, be my shelter, my home.
God loves me!" I desperately cling to the promise of God's love to
quench
my thirst. Jesus Christ has become a well at which I drink and find
strength, love and reasons to go on even when neither I nor my
circumstances change. It isn't easy, but peace comes. As a maturing
Christian, I live one day at a time. I believe God is able to keep me
from
falling and to restore me when I do - faultless and forgiven, to His
presence. Being "disabled" has not ;incapacitated me, for the
gifts and
calling of God are irrevocable.
My abilities are also shaping me-for God "enables" me. My
gifts in helping
University students have touched thousands, both here and overseas. I'm
amazed. Students have become best friends - in spite of the age difference
(now I'm "Uncle Will"). I'm a real fan of theirs. My motto is,
"Students
are people too!" I've even seen some faculty changed. But even in
the
successful use of God's gifts I'm dependent on God's love to really
satisfy. God is good, even though He's not safe.
I'm so glad that God made it clear to me many years ago that there was
a
response that I had to make; something to be believed and SOMEONE to be
received. Yes, I'm still clinging to Jesus Christ after all these years.
The reason is that there is no one else who's always there to turn to.
Also, in reality, it is Jesus who has stuck with me and won't let me go.
What a thrill it is to be caught up in God's plan. What a sense of destiny.
What a hope. It's an infection of which I never want to be cured.
WILL METZGER willm@udel.edu
